Disclaimer for this blog

DISCLAIMER: PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING - This is MY blog...my place where I can say what I want to say how I want to say it and no one else has the right to have an opinion about it.  This is MY safe place.  So seriously, if you decide to read on, please keep your judgments to yourself because I didn't ask your opinion.  This is how I feel.  Just me. And that's okay.

The past few months, or actually this past year has been, well, at times miserable.  I can't think of a time where I have felt more isolated and alone.  In fact, on more than one occasion I have wondered whether I have made mistakes in the relationships that I have invested in over the last several years, because this season has been one of horrible loneliness.  It began when I finally made the decision to step down from the nursery.  Or maybe a few months before when 2 of my closest friends moved away.  I almost felt abandoned.  My safety nets were gone.  Or at least it felt that way.  Being so sick and miserable for my 30th birthday was pretty awful too.  I couldn't enjoy anything that my friends had done for me.  I felt cheated.  I had looked forward to it for over a year.  I had big plans.  And instead of my big plans, I spent the day(s) puking and feeling awful.  I even spoiled a surprise that my husband had planned that I will never forget.  He was going to take me to New York, but that's a whole other story.  See, I'm rambling now.


My decision to step down from the nursery was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my entire life.  I had felt the Lord prompting me for at least 6 months before hand, but I just didn't want to.  I mean sure, like with any job, there are always things that are annoying about a job.  And I wasn't exempt from that by any means.  But, I was doing what I loved.  I got to disciple kids and serve in a ministry that I was so passionate about and I got paid for it.  Even how I got the position in the first place was perfectly orchestrated by God.  It was one of those "this just doesn't happen" kind of situations...ideal!  Sure I missed out on some things because of it.  I couldn't do music ministry, another passion of mine, and my family time was limited.  But, I really did love it.  By this time last year though, it became apparent to Kris and I that something was going to have to change.  His school and work schedule was conflicting with my work schedule.  We NEVER saw each other.  I mean NEVER.  He would leave for work before I got up in the morning.  We would sometimes pass each other in the evenings on the way to and from our commitments.  I would cook and get the kids ready for small group on Tuesdays so he could meet us there after class.  Then we moved our group to church campus and I would get stuck doing nursery responsibilities and wouldn't make it to small group.  It got to be ridiculous...too much.  Things were not good.  I needed to be able to attend small group WITH my husband and not be distracted.  It just wasn't going to work out the way things were going.  So after nearly 5 years of being in community with the same people, we had to walk away.  That was the first step...and it sucked.  Instantly, we felt like our friends turned their backs on us.  They just didn't seem to understand.  All we needed was community and we got, "well, if you can't commit, then you need to find something else."  Easier said than done.  Walking away added a night to the week for me to see my husband, but it didn't make things easier.  It got harder.  We had lost our community.  So, I prayed and prayed for God to send me community and He answered my prayers.  I immediately got plugged in with 2 women's groups, but that didn't leave a place for Kris.  It became apparent that we both needed to be plugged in, but it seemed impossible.  I could meet during the day because I stayed at home, but Kris was working 40-50 hours a week and taking night classes.  How was he supposed to find time.  Relief finally came when the fall semester ended.  Six whole weeks of no commitments.  We could spend time together and it was bliss...


And with that bliss came pregnancy #3.  We sure weren't planning on that.  Not now.  Not with our crazy schedules.  Not only that, but we were sharing a car, we had no insurance and we had no space!  God came through though as always.  Kris's mom loaned us her car, God provided us with Medicaid which covered everything for my pregnancy with no expense from our pockets.  And well, the space thing we would figure out.  But God wanted more from us.  He wanted obedience and trust.  Which of course we would give him, but we were on our own.  There was no one to pray with us, no one to talk to through this situation, no safe place.  It was rough.  And all the while I had the whole nursery issue looming overhead.  Yeah right!  Like I could step away from my job when we seriously need money.  Have you seen the economy?  I'm staying where I am.  And we have a baby on the way.  Reagan's going to get the baby sister she's been praying for for 2 years and I'm going to get to buy pink and bows.  It'll be great!


Then came the prayer retreat with my accountability group.  Finally...some time with the Lord without distractions.  Time to have community with other women.  Bliss!  Except it was miserable too.  I felt such a heavy burden over the nursery ministry.  I remember calling my mom from the balcany of our cabin sobbing hysterically.  How was this all supposed to work out?  I knew what God wanted me to do, but how?  I didn't want to...except that I did because I was so miserable.  Pregnancy does that to me.  At least if I stepped down I wouldn't have to work and be sick at the same time.  But, it would only last a few weeks and then what?  Big sigh...the agony.  I don't know what to do...except that I did.  I knew it was time to step down.  I knew it was right for my family.  I knew it was God's will and timing, but I really didn't understand.  The trip home was you guessed it, agonizing.  I knew I was going to have to act on what I'd been told to do.  Why couldn't I just hide and I dunno.....do something else?  I wrote my letter of resignation and fought back tears as I shared my news with my coworkers.  "What am I doing!!?" I thought.  This is crazy!  But when I shared my news, they knew.  God had already prepared them.  Well, at least that was confirmation that I was making the right choice, but it didn't make the decision any easier.  At staff meeting, I couldn't even speak and just sat there crying while my coworkers offered words of support and encouragement.  Wow!  And here I am having to walk away from yet another "family."  The last time went swell (sarcasm) so I'm sure this time will too.


Honestly, being so sick made the transition a little easier.  I was so miserable.  And I did get away.  I spent a week with my mom just to get out of town and distract myself.  But as soon as I returned, I was slapped back into reality and the devastating news that one of my friends and coworkers had died unexpectedly at the age of 31.  The grief was overwhelming.  I didn't even want to go to church that Sunday...it was my first one since my resignation.  How? Why?  It was....I dunno.  There are no words.  I decided to suck it up and go to church anyway.  It was soooo hard.  I cried the entire time.  I didn't know how to be.  I didn't know what to say...it was awkward and beyond uncomfortable.


The transition back was rough.  How do you serve for 4 1/2 years and then just go to church and blend in with everyone else?  And every time anyone would say anything to me, it was "You left some big shoes to be filled.  I don't know how you did this." or similar comments.  Um, yeah...how am I supposed to react to   that?!  Do I come back?  Do I apologize? Geez, this is too much.


Thankfully, I was so sick.  I couldn't even make it to church some weekends because I couldn't keep anything down.  I was exhausted.  I was so miserable.  And honestly, who really cared?  No one.  That's how it seemed.  Conversations with old friends felt awkward and forced.  When I did see people, they seemed like they didn't really want me around and why would they?  The only thing I had to talk about was how many times I had puked that day and how miserable I was.  But, it would be worth it soon.  We'd find out we were having another little girl and the morning sickness would be over soon...right?


You know what really ticked me off?  People would ask me what we were hoping for or what I wanted and I would tell them with complete expectancy "Girl!" and they would respond, "Well, what will you do if it's a boy?"  "I'm gonna laugh if it's a boy?"  "Why? Boys are easier?"  Why?  Because that's what I prayed for and I have faith that God will answer my prayer.  It got to be too much for me...people's comments.  Then, I didn't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone about it because IT WAS going to come up.  By the time we got to my ultrasound, I didn't want to know.  I asked the technician to keep it a secret and put the results in an envelope.  Well, she wasn't that careful.  When she briefly stepped out of the room to speak with another patient, I looked at Kris and said, "I think I saw boy parts."  I held myself together until I got to the car.  But as soon as I closed the door, the tears came flowing like Niagra Falls.  I ripped open the envelope only to confirm my fears.  It was indeed a boy.  In a second I felt like the worse person in the world.  I had the most horrific thoughts...I wasn't going to take care of myself anymore.  Screw this kid.  I wasn't going to breastfeed.  I was going to drive off a bridge.  I wouldn't love this kid.  I was going to give him away.  I hated him.  Oh my gosh!!!  Slow down...what kind of a person has thoughts like this?!!  I'm a nightmare!!  I need help!  MY mom kept calling on my cell phone and I finally answered.  I just could not stop crying.  Good thing Kris wasn't with me.  He sure enough wasn't going to understand.  And my friends...whoever they were...forget it.  We know too many who have lost children or couldn't have any to begin with.  They would tell me that I was horrible for being disappointed in having a boy...be thankful for a healthy child..what is wrong with you?!!  No, this I had to carry by myself.  No one was going to understand..  No one was safe to talk to.  I was ALONE!


Later that night I discovered that I wasn't alone...not even a little bit.  I found an online support group for women dealing with GD (gender disappointment), many with severe GD, worse than me.  Well at least online I could be honest and share and not be judged.  I even made a friend due the day after me.  But this was going to be something that aside from the cyber world, I would be alone.  Whatever.  I was alone anyway.


I cried for weeks.  I would mourn the loss of my friend.  I would cry about the decisions that I had made.  I questioned things constantly.  I mourned the loss of the dream of having another little girl.  I would mourn the loss of my community and the old days when things were....well, better.


But, I had my family.  I love my family.  And now, I am finally getting to spend time with them.  Finally.  And things have been good....with family.  My marriage has grown and flourished now that we have time for each other and with each other.  I've learned how to be a better mom and I'm not distracted like before so I can actually spend time with them.  Not as much as I'd like.  There are still BAD days.  Like I said, pregnancy for me is hell.


This is the present.  I still feel alone.  I'm still not certain who my real friends are.  I still cry when I think of my friend, sometimes hysterically.  I still feel sad that I'm not having a little girl.  I find myself staring at Cam's ultrasound pictures wondering if I'll be able to love him enough to make up for how I reacted to the news that he would be joining our family...wondering if my feelings of GD will fade when I see his precious face for the first time.  They have faded a little.  It's not as bad as before.  God has to know what he's doing...right?  I mean, this whole year I've tried to be obedient and it's been hard, ridiculously hard, but it hasn't been in vain...right?  I do trust in the Lord with all my heart.  I don't know how not to.  So my only choice is to NOT lean on my understanding, because I honestly don't understand, but to acknowledge Him and let Him lead my path., whatever that may be, wherever that may be.  It's been hard.  And I'm not even sure if I have fully explained in an understandable way everything that I have felt and experienced in the last year.  I'm not sure that I could if I knew how.