36 weeks...only 4 to go

It's becoming very surreal, the thought of having another baby, another child to be responsible for.  I find myself doubting my abilities to handle all of this.  It's really hard to describe exactly what I mean.  Some days, I am very aware of what is to come, especially when I'm in the pangs of a strong contraction and I'm feeling every little muscle in my body ache.  Then, there are times when I feel normal, not pregnant even.  And in those moments, everything seems normal, like nothing has changed or will.  The hardest part for me during this time, is the feeling of isolation.  Please don't get me wrong.  I know I have great friends and family.  But, when we miss out on going to church or small group or other events because I'm having "a bad day" I feel like I'm going through this all alone.  Where is everyone?  Lately, we've missed so much that I have no clue what's going on with anyone else and I feel like a horrible friend. 

Saturday was a great day! We didn't get everything accomplished that we had planned, but I was feeling good and I got to spend some much needed time with Kris.  We went on a double date with some friends and for the first time in a while, I felt connected to the outside world.  The movie was good, dinner was good. Even the conversation was good, and even Christ-led.  Then, Saturday night I couldn't sleep because I was having contractions all night and restless legs.  I was exhausted Sunday morning so we missed church.  My contractions lasted all day Sunday and my back and body were so achy and sore.  I was miserable and even started crying to Kris because no matter what I did I couldn't get comfortable.  And it was miserable enough that I just didn't have the energy to make it to small group, which really bummed me out.  It's the one night a week I know I'll get to see some of my friends.

Ever since Kris and I had to leave our former small group and I stepped down from my ministry, it's been miserable lonely.  Sure, we've got a great new small group, but it's still new and relationships are still being formed.  But we never see any of our old friends, unless facebook counts.  It's just kind of a bummer.  And I know that this season always comes with a new baby, during the rough times of pregnancy and the adjustment weeks of newfound parenthood.  It's normal...I think.  But it's hard.  Especially because I love to be around people.  I love having friends to do things with and to chat with.  I don't even have anything good to chat about these days because EVERYthing revolves around this pregnancy and Camden.  I just don't want to be a downer, you know?

Anyway, I guess if you read this...call me, ask to stop by and hang out.  I can't guarantee that I'll be able to go anywhere, but I can guarantee that I'll light up like a Christmas tree and enjoy every moment that you are able to spend with me.