Heart Surgery

For the last 6 weeks I have participated in a study on the book of Jonah by Priscilla Shirer.  I've actually been bouncing back and forth between 3 books, inclucing Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and Invitations from God by Adele Ahlberg Calhoun.  Ironically, if you asked me if I liked to read in my spare time, I would probably tell you no.  I guess I don't know myself that well after all.  And that is the reason that I am writing this post.

In the past few weeks I have had a serious heart examination.  And what has been difficult for me to accept and face is that I am not a person who loves people.  I mean genuinely loves people the way Christ has commanded us to do.  Maybe some of you already know this about me and I'm the last one to find out.  I'm hoping that you're as shocked as I am to discover this ugly truth about myself.  As our pastor was preaching this past Sunday on toxic relationships, I couldn't help but wonder, have I been a toxic relationship in other people's lives at one point or another?  Have I been the one that has been too needy, or self-centered, or a gossip, or whatever fill-in-the-blank toxic thing you can think of.  As I have searched and prayed, asking God to reveal in me the things that keep me from growing closer to Him, I have been heavily burdened with a plethora of darkness that fills the deepest corners of my heart.  Since that revelation, I have been weighed down with this heavy cloud of deep sadness.   And not just because of this, but because I've always thought of myself as someone who is more selfless than selfish, more giving than taking, more loving than hateful.  And maybe I am, but not to the extent that God wants me to be or has called me to be.

I've cried out to Him during this revelation to heal me and fix me and make me new!  How can I truly reach a lost world if I don't truly love a lost world.  I've been convicted of the very thing I despise.  God has shown me that I don't love my kids the way I'm supposed to, I don't love Kris the way I'm supposed to, I don't love my friends the way I'm supposed to, I don't love strangers the way I'm supposed to.  I've been convicted of teaching my kids God's truths and not living them out myself.  I caught it one day when I was reminding them that we are to "do all things without arguing and complaining" (Philippians 2:14).  They hear me say this often.  Not moments after, I caught myself yelling at a driver who wasn't driving the way I thought he or she should, complaining and full of unkindness.  Eewww.  Look at me.  I'm disgusting with sin.  (and this is just a tiny little example). 

Reagan has been memorizing the scripture, "love each other deeply and honor others more than yourselves" (Romans 12:10).  How can I expect my children to learn this, live this, be this, if I am not setting that example for them by living it myself?  I've only just scratched the surface of what God has been revealing to me these past few weeks.  Some of it is just too heavy for me to express in words.

I've decided that the first step in uprooting this darkness in my heart is to repent and ask for forgiveness.  And not just from God, but from you, my friends, my family, those who I love and care about and want to love and care about even more.  If I have been the toxic friend in your life, if I have not loved when you needed love, if I have not cared when you needed someone to listen, if I have been selfish and self-centered, if I have caused you hurt or pain, please accept my sincerest apologies.  I have no excuses to offer you.  But please know that with all of my heart I am seeking a God who restores, heals, forgives, and changes, to be made new.  Please forgive me.  My prayer is that he will allow me to know the names of those I have hurt so that I can seek them out specifically.  I want to love the way God loves, to see the way God sees.  I want to be more and more like Jesus each and every single day.  That is all.